Blindly Unaware

It's been awhile... like a long while.

Last time I posted was in August. I felt like things were the same old same old and had nothing to report so no sense in posting.

I am fully aware that this blog is my blog and is almost 100% for my eyes only. I use it as a tracker to see where I've been and where I've come from. When I was young I had a piece of paper that I kept track of my weight. It was hidden in a drawer in the bathroom along with an HB pencil to mark down the numbers. I threw that paper out about 5 years ago as it felt like the numbers were  never changing.

So now this blog has replaced the little piece of paper.

So, why the blindly unaware title? Cause I honestly thought I had not gained any weight over the fall. I've been stepping on the scale a few times a month, not daily like I used to and I've been hovering around 177-180. I thought this was the same weight that I was all summer.

WELL... I just read my last post and at that time I was between 169-171... WHAT? So I gained approximately 10 lbs without even being aware of it.

This blog is necessary for me to keep track. I feel great, still work out 2-4 times a week at the gym but I have slowly let foods back into my life that I had said needed to be gone. Not all the time gone, but not to be consumed on a regular basis.

I remember when I was in my 20s I had 2 or 3 really skinny friends. One was just naturally skinny and the other worked at it.  The one thing that I do remember was that neither of them ate like me. When I went to their homes, they didn't have the cookies/cakes and muffins etc. Yes, they would splurge once and awhile but it was not on a daily, like it was for me.

This is the mental change that I needed to make over the last few years to keep my weight lower and under some sort of control. Do I like carbs, sugars, muffins, cakes, cookies etc... ABSOLUTELY. Can I eat them... no, not really. I tried to follow the "in moderation" but the reality is that my moderation is not really moderation. It's still much more than most "skinny" people would eat. If I ate one chocolate bar a week I would consider that moderation. But I don't NEED that chocolate bar each week and I know it was sabotaging my journey. So they are gone. Do I miss them? Sometimes... will I have one, once and awhile (like every 3 months or so)... sure... but I can't let that food back in my life. I just can't be moderate with some things.

Since the fall, I have slowly let carbs back in my life. I do enjoy them, but I have also discovered (just this morning mind you), that I have gained back 10 lbs. Just by letting a piece of bread, once a week back into my life.

I'm 47. I've eaten more than enough bread and sweets etc to do me a lifetime. I don't need them. I don't plan to have them on a regular basis again. It's what works for me.

Sadly... moderation is just not something that works for this girl. I know what works for me, I just need to put it back into motion.

Weight this morning - 179.6.....