Happiness

In the matter of moments a world can flip on it's side and what happiness one has turns in to immediate sadness. 

On Wednesday afternoon I received a text from my eldest son saying that he needed to talk to me about his health. He has not known how to discuss with me, but he believes he is sick and he needs help. He has been depressed and anxious and doesn't know how to feel better.  My heart broke. In an instant. 

I can't go to the medicine cabinet and pull out a magic pill or band-aid to fix his pain. I don't know what words to say to make his world better. I want to take his pain from him and feel it for him. I was told by a friend last year that we are only as happy as our unhappiest child and I feel that more than ever. 

My Nick. He's my world. Both of my boys are and I would do ANYTHING for them. Nick has always succeeded at everything he's ever done. He always had many many friends at school, was a star athlete in any sport he participated in and has neve truly struggled in school. But over the last few years as he has been in university I have noticed a change in him. 

Let's go back a little further though. Nick moved away from home at 16 to play hockey and after doing one year, he decided it was not for him. Although, we will never know what would have been, we were always told by coaches and scouts that he would have likely made it to the NHL. He was honestly that good. When he quit, his father took the news very hard. We had put a lot of money and time into getting him as far as he had as he told us that was his dream. But in reality, it was our dream and he was just doing what he thought we wanted.  There was a bit of resentment between Nick and his dad for a few years, but his dad eventually got over the disappointment. I knew that him not playing hockey made him happier and that was all I needed. At 18, he left for university with 3 very close friends. They were going to share a dorm and be finish their 4 years together.  After 2 years he said he needed to get away from them and come home. He was sick of living with the daily mess etc. 

So he transferred to a local university and has been living at home. Nick has always stressed about exams and during that time, he is difficult to live with. But he always came through and done well on his exams. Some he would even ace so his stress and anxiety was always questioned. 

In the past year  he has stopped hanging with his friends. He has taken up golf and loves it. He spends weekends with his girlfriend of 6 years but it has worried me that he no longer spends time with his friends going out or even joining them for wing night on a wednesday at the local pub. 

Fast forward to today. He admits that he is anxious and depressed. I want nothing more than to hug away the pain but I know it's something he has to work through. I immediately set him up with a therapist that he will go visit next week for the first time. He's open to just about anything, other than meds. He said he doesn't want to take medication. I'm just happy he took the first step to say that he needs help, even if it took him a while to get up the courage to do so. 

I just want him to be well and I don't know how to do it. In the meantime, we all just hurt.