Spiral

I've been avoiding posting anything because I've been on a downhill spiral.  I didn't believe I was going crazy with eating but I am. And I'm still eating what I should not be eating.  Last week was my TOM so I ate even more than I usually eat. 

My excuse for eating so much?? My brain somehow thinks that I can eat this much... I've done it before and not gained weight, so why should it be any different this time?? 

Well, guess what?! I'm gaining. So quickly. I was thinking last week that it was maybe hormonal or something wrong with my thyroid or or or.... but I think it's just that I'm eating! And eating way too much 

I avoided the scale all weekend cause I knew it would be horrible. I typically weight every night and then again every morning. I tend to drop 2 ish pounds during the night and that's pretty consistent. 

Well sunday night I stepped on the scale just before my shower and it said 181.4. WTF!!!!!! 

I was in shock. How had this happened. Almost 10 lbs in a month. HOW? HOW? 

I vowed at that point that I would get my shit together. 

I'm utterly disgusted with myself. I know what it is... it's the cheese/cracker snack that I have after lunch with the dogs. Or the handful of nuts (yes I said I stopped them, but they have crept back in),  hubbies birthday cake, the delicious pretzels from the local brewery.. oh and beer! Seriously.... all crap. 

So... here I am, yet again. Inching ever so closely to my birthday where I wanted to be in solidly in the 160s and I'm now even further away. 

I'm going to try my best to end this month in a better place than I am right now. If I can get a full week of steady good eating, I believe I can get back on track. I might even have to start tracking again... oh gawd, I hate tracking!! 

Where oh where did you go Willpower! I need you back... and quickly.