Happiness

In the matter of moments a world can flip on it's side and what happiness one has turns in to immediate sadness. 

On Wednesday afternoon I received a text from my eldest son saying that he needed to talk to me about his health. He has not known how to discuss with me, but he believes he is sick and he needs help. He has been depressed and anxious and doesn't know how to feel better.  My heart broke. In an instant. 

I can't go to the medicine cabinet and pull out a magic pill or band-aid to fix his pain. I don't know what words to say to make his world better. I want to take his pain from him and feel it for him. I was told by a friend last year that we are only as happy as our unhappiest child and I feel that more than ever. 

My Nick. He's my world. Both of my boys are and I would do ANYTHING for them. Nick has always succeeded at everything he's ever done. He always had many many friends at school, was a star athlete in any sport he participated in and has neve truly struggled in school. But over the last few years as he has been in university I have noticed a change in him. 

Let's go back a little further though. Nick moved away from home at 16 to play hockey and after doing one year, he decided it was not for him. Although, we will never know what would have been, we were always told by coaches and scouts that he would have likely made it to the NHL. He was honestly that good. When he quit, his father took the news very hard. We had put a lot of money and time into getting him as far as he had as he told us that was his dream. But in reality, it was our dream and he was just doing what he thought we wanted.  There was a bit of resentment between Nick and his dad for a few years, but his dad eventually got over the disappointment. I knew that him not playing hockey made him happier and that was all I needed. At 18, he left for university with 3 very close friends. They were going to share a dorm and be finish their 4 years together.  After 2 years he said he needed to get away from them and come home. He was sick of living with the daily mess etc. 

So he transferred to a local university and has been living at home. Nick has always stressed about exams and during that time, he is difficult to live with. But he always came through and done well on his exams. Some he would even ace so his stress and anxiety was always questioned. 

In the past year  he has stopped hanging with his friends. He has taken up golf and loves it. He spends weekends with his girlfriend of 6 years but it has worried me that he no longer spends time with his friends going out or even joining them for wing night on a wednesday at the local pub. 

Fast forward to today. He admits that he is anxious and depressed. I want nothing more than to hug away the pain but I know it's something he has to work through. I immediately set him up with a therapist that he will go visit next week for the first time. He's open to just about anything, other than meds. He said he doesn't want to take medication. I'm just happy he took the first step to say that he needs help, even if it took him a while to get up the courage to do so. 

I just want him to be well and I don't know how to do it. In the meantime, we all just hurt. 

Holding Strong

 Welp... it's Wednesday, which I have marked as my official weigh in day AND my weight is still under 187! Whooop. This morning it was actually 185.6 sooooo I think I've finally broken that plateau which I have been at ALL summer. 

The key now is to keep going. Not give up. 

Did a big costco haul last night ($700 ish) and so we have lots of food and choices in the house. Some great, some really not so great (ie halloween candy). It's not for me, it's not for me, it's not for me. It's for the boys and their friends etc. 

Let's see how good my willpower is now. 

We had our first major storm last night so everything is saturated outside and going for a walk will be more of a chore now but still gotta do it. 10000 Steps is my daily goal. Sometimes I get there, sometimes I do not but I'm almost always between 7500 - 10000. Might have to do some indoor steps today. :) 

Making some cheese/broccoli soup today which will be a good option for dinners/lunches for the week. 

Off to fill up my coffee and water again... :) 

Might be back on track

 It might be too early to report, but I don't care. This has been the first time in about 7 or so months that I have broke the 187 mark. I went to 186.2 on sunday but won't officially weigh in until wednesday. 

Again, might be too early as there is USUALLY a bounce back but I did track my food last week, drank way more water and avoided the temptations as much as possible. 

Things I did well on - tracking, water, avoiding sweets and processed carbs

Things I want to work on this week - still had too much wine on the weekend. Want to cut out the sunday glass. It's only one glass but it's a habit and I want to drop it. That's the plan next sunday!  It won't make a big difference in my numbers for the day or week, but it's the breaking of a bad habit. 

I feel motivated again. Not sure what the clincher was. Maybe it's the turning of a month from august to september and the nearing of fall. I like to get my shit together in the fall and get back to a regular schedule etc. 

Or MAYBE... it was because my best friend was just diagnosed with sleep apnea AND she told me that she thinks I have it as well. I might have it and I would not be ashamed of it, as people have it, including my husband. BUT, I don't want that to be MY diagnosis. I already have high blood pressure that I believe is hereditary as both my mom and dad had the same diagnosis and my dad has been otherwise healthy his entire life.   

I used to be a snorer - absolutely, but when I lost the 40 lbs a few years ago, I stopped snoring. Or so I was told. I know in the past few months, I have had a few nights of snoring although my husband says it's nothing like it used to be. So when she told me she thinks I sleep apnea and I should get tested, it sparked a fire in me. I need to get back down to the weight that my body was happy with in the low 170s and maybe even jump into the 160s to even better.  

So whether it's the change of the seasons or the motivation to not have another ailment added to my health resume, I'm ready to do this!

Almost 7 months of semi Self-Isolation

 Well that's not entirely true. I have not been in self-isolation but I have been spending much less time with public than before the pandemic started. 

A few things that I have realized during this last 7 months: 

1. Time FLIES! I always thought time flew by but actually watching it closely this past spring and summer I definitely feel time is flying by way faster than I want it to. My kids are growing up, I'm getting older, my family (dad) is getting much older and we need to slow life down a bit and really enjoy things. 

2. I don't need as many shoes and clothes as I thought I did. Well maybe I do, but it has been nice to not feel the pressure to shop for clothes for each of the seasons. I can wear the same thing again this season and I likely won't need any fashionable boots or other wintery jackets to wear other than the ones that take me the grocery store or the park with the dog. Money should be saved or spent on things that we really need.  

3.  I love my close knit circle of best friends. There are 6 of us and we have pandemic'd together. We would get together each weekend for a few cocktails and laughs. Maybe go for a bike ride or walk. It's been nice having them around and I'm glad we have spent our time together. There will be many more get togethers in the coming months, I'm sure. 

4. I miss the gym. Terribly. But I'm still too "scared" to return. I don't want to get sick. I don't want to get covid if I can help it and I don't trust the person using the machine or weight before me to clean up properly. Hopefully sometime soon, but for now I am not going and that is ok. 

5. I don't work out if I don't have the gym. Ugh. This one has hurt.  I told myself that I'd work out at home daily and try to get my work out in but it just didn't happen. I'd get bored. I like the personal challenge that working out at the gym gives me. Again.. hope to return to that soon. 

6. I can't eat mostly low carb and then sneak in some weekend carbs. Cookies, cakes and crackers (the 3 bad c's are not my friend). My weight has fluctuated for the last 7 months. I keep losing 3 lbs and then gaining the same 3 lbs over a period of a week. I weigh the same now as I did in May.  Actually... maybe a bit higher. My clothes do not fit any smaller than before because I wear sweatpants and yoga pants and things that have stretch. Actually my jeans do still fit but not as well as they did before. 

7. I have to put me first. I'm a more enjoyable person to both my husband and my kids if I make a little time for me. If that means not making dinner cause I'm working on a puzzle so be it.  They will survive. 

That's it for now. I think it's time I start doing some sort of tracking or accountability tracking at least as I need to get back on track... lol (no pun intended).  So.... that's it for now. I have to come up with a plan.  Time to get this shit done.