Willpower

 

It's been a day. I'm fighting it... but it's been tough. 

Don't need the cookie, don't need the cake, don't need anything! I will survive the snack monster! 

Spiral

I've been avoiding posting anything because I've been on a downhill spiral.  I didn't believe I was going crazy with eating but I am. And I'm still eating what I should not be eating.  Last week was my TOM so I ate even more than I usually eat. 

My excuse for eating so much?? My brain somehow thinks that I can eat this much... I've done it before and not gained weight, so why should it be any different this time?? 

Well, guess what?! I'm gaining. So quickly. I was thinking last week that it was maybe hormonal or something wrong with my thyroid or or or.... but I think it's just that I'm eating! And eating way too much 

I avoided the scale all weekend cause I knew it would be horrible. I typically weight every night and then again every morning. I tend to drop 2 ish pounds during the night and that's pretty consistent. 

Well sunday night I stepped on the scale just before my shower and it said 181.4. WTF!!!!!! 

I was in shock. How had this happened. Almost 10 lbs in a month. HOW? HOW? 

I vowed at that point that I would get my shit together. 

I'm utterly disgusted with myself. I know what it is... it's the cheese/cracker snack that I have after lunch with the dogs. Or the handful of nuts (yes I said I stopped them, but they have crept back in),  hubbies birthday cake, the delicious pretzels from the local brewery.. oh and beer! Seriously.... all crap. 

So... here I am, yet again. Inching ever so closely to my birthday where I wanted to be in solidly in the 160s and I'm now even further away. 

I'm going to try my best to end this month in a better place than I am right now. If I can get a full week of steady good eating, I believe I can get back on track. I might even have to start tracking again... oh gawd, I hate tracking!! 

Where oh where did you go Willpower! I need you back... and quickly. 

Eggs and my gut

Ok, there is still something going on in my body. I just can't shed ANY weight no matter what I eat or don't eat. I'm still intermittent fasting and I have cut out all processed carbs. 

Scale keeps creeping up. It makes no sense. I would expect if anything it would stay the same or waver down and then back up again, but it literally is just creeping up up up. 

And here is a new thing - I can't eat eggs anymore. I used to be able to eat eggs no problem and granted I haven't had them in some time, but I know that they are a great meal for me when I'm trying to get back on track. I could eat them everyday, multiple times a day and never have a problem. 

Well, I've tried eating them 3 times in the last week, including today, and each time I get awful stomach issues and let me say, I'm very thankful I work from home! 

Something is up.  My body /gut is just not happy right now. My psoriasis is on full flare up  (has been for a few weeks) and now with the digestive issues. 

Oh it's not just eggs. As soon as I eat any vegetables, I sound like the horn section of the orchestra!  And I eat a lot of vegetables. 

Something is def up. 

I'm doing some research and seeing if I can cut things back and really simplify what I am eating to try and figure out what's going on. I have almost 0 dairy, so it's not dairy. 

If worse comes to worse, I might just do a long fast (36-48 hours) and try to do a reset in my system. There is something in there that is not happy right now AT all. 

In the meantime, I'm pulling out a detox tea that I have in my cupboard and see if that helps release some of these toxins. cant' hurt and I'm home anyways so no worries about needing to find a bathroom quickly!! 

My research continues. 

Body or Mind?

There is definitely something wrong with my body. 

Last week I was on mental high because my weight was finally creeping down. Making a few small changes seemed to release whatever inflammatory crap I was holding onto. 

Then my period hit and bam.... weight crept back on. I was actually fully expecting it to. But guess what? It hasn't dropped again. 

I'm at 173.9 this morning. 

Unfortunately, when my period hits, I do tend to get the munchies. I haven't been eating the nuts or cheese or coffee cream, but instead I have substituted with banana bread and crackers and even a bit of candy!  I know that I did not eat an extra 10,000+ calories this week to justify the 3 lbs of weight gain but I also know that what I have been eating is inflammatory to me. 

So yea, I really should not be surprised with that number up there.  Surprised?, no, mad?... oh hells yeah! 

I know I can't eat that crap, so why did I do it?  I'm going to go back to my first sentence in this post.... it's not that there is something wrong with my body, it's my mind! 

As soon as I get the taste of sugar or carbs, my body wants more. I know that I just can't have just one bite.  Oh maybe I will just have one right now, but later I will have another, or tomorrow I will have two! 

It's an addiction. I know it is. If I were addicted to alcohol or cigarettes I would not expect myself to be able to have one sip or one puff and stop.  

I seem to give myself the excuse that it's food... I need this to survive! Uh... no. I don't. I need to get that through my head. I don't need to share a piece of cake with a friend when I go to dinner. I can just have my after dinner coffee and be fine. I need to just NOT have it. It will be hard to resist, but I've done it before and I know I can do it again. 

So after a week of disappointment of munching on things that I really shouldn't allow my self to munch on, I did this. I looked back to my post from March 31, 2021 and guess what... my weight was 170.2. So I have literally not lost anything this year. 

Personal vows and goals just don't seem to work for me. I am good for a day or two or maybe just a few hours. I just need to find the willpower again to stop to say no when the temptation is upon me. 

Small Changes or Just Hormones

 Last week I was seeing my weight bob around on a roller coaster but never really going down. It went up, it went up some more and then it went down a bit and then up some more... you get the idea. 

So I vowed to change up a few things.  My eating has been pretty good so I knew I didn't have to make any drastic changes, but I wanted to experiment and see if just a few things were causing me to stall and have bloat. 

So I cut out nuts and cream in my coffee and really cut down on my cheese.  And low and behold after a few days of skipping my handful of nuts after work and cutting out the cream in my two cups of coffee in the morning, I saw a drop. 

My weight on Thursday was 173.3 and by Sunday it was at 170.9.  OVER A WEEKEND!! Ok... that never happens. 

We went out for dinner last Thursday for St. Paddy's day. I had salad and a couple glasses of wine. We entertained friends on Friday and had a plethora of sushi and a couple wine coolers.  Saturday was a busy day but we figured we would just have munchies for dinner on Saturday (hot wings, a few nachos) and still ended up with a loss on Sunday morning! 

Say what??  But maybe it wasn't the foods I had eliminated. Maybe it was just my body ready to shed the extra water weight that I had put on last week. 

However, the weight continued to drop over the next few days (170.2) and then on Tuesday I ate cheese. And Wednesday I ate nuts. And my weight started popping up again. 

My weight was 171.5 this morning. So really not bad and just a bit over the weight on the weekend but after eating the cheese and nuts I know that it causes me to bloat and retain water. Not to mention they are extra calories that I really do not need.  Maybe the slight gain is just my body getting ready for my TOM which is literally just around the corner. But maybe it's the food? 

This weekend/week I will continue to experiment with different foods and see how they affect me. But for now, no coffee cream, no nuts and sadly, no more cheese.. at least for the immediate future. 

Like being in an ocean

 My weight is doing some weird bobbing around. When I last posted on thursday of last week, my weight was at 171.7.  A good solid weight and down from the previous week. 

Since then, it has bobbed up, and dipped down. Much like floating out in the ocean.  I have not been super strict which I know is the reason why it's bobbing and dipping. 

Weekends are still such a struggle. 

Here's hoping that I can keep things in order this weekend. That is my goal for this week. 

No snacking between meals and no processed carbs... the darn crackers and pretzels are such a temptation for me. Oh and no nuts. I tend to snack on nuts cause they are a healthy fat but I know whenever I eat nuts I tend to stall, or gain. So no nuts... as much as I love them! 

weight this morning... back up to 173.3. 

So frustrating. 

Moving Forward

The past week was successful. 

We moved MIL into a seniors home which involved a lot of packing, moving, unpacking and sorting.  We hired movers but my husband and I did all the rest. We managed to get her into the home and it's lovely. Hopefully she will be happy there. 

With all the moving activities, we were not great at cooking and ended up doing take out most days.  I was pretty good with the takeout with the exception of sushi night. But I'm not giving up my sushi.. no way, no how! 

My blood glucose is looking really good. I am currently only measuring once every 2 weeks or so, but the fasting blood glucose has been dropping and is in the normal range. 

Intermittent fasting is going really well and I have dropped the snacking in between my 2 meals. I eat at 1ish and then again at dinner (between 5-6:30).  I stop eating for the day at around 7. 

I have coffee in the am and then a cup of tea with ACV at about 11. It seems to be working for me in terms of curbing my cravings. 

My weight this morning was 171.7 so about a lb down from last week. Nothing earth shattering but feels good to see it go down. 

I have also started doing some mild exercises in the am (mostly for my blood pressure) which has been on the rise a bit lately. 

Slowly pecking away at the spring cleaning, which feels amazing to clean out cupboards etc and also to declutter.  Pantry is on my list next... that one is always fun! 

So all in all a good week. 50th birthday party for friend this weekend but should be manageable.