The Wagon

 Yup... fell off of it and then it ran over me a few times! This week has been marvelous! And Awful all at the same time. 

It's been lovely lazing around and spending time with the family, but there has been eating and drinking and more eating. So many sweets and chocolates and wine and other such loveliness. 

Stepped on the scale on sunday and "say what?????"... yup, up about 5 or 6 lbs from my last weigh in on the 16th. 

I know I won't be back in my normal range tomorrow so there is no weigh in this week. I haven't tracked a stitch of food or my weight since last monday (other than my peek on Sunday)... but I know I'm up about 4 since that point. 

So.... no weigh in tomorrow, but starting to get the water into me now and flush out some of the toxins and other such puffiness.  No more chocolates or cookies or other such carby goodness. Done. 

I will have some small indulgences (wine) on Thursday for New Years Eve but hopefully I can keep it at bay. Planning a few things in the new year to kick start some serious losing. Still working on some of the details.  

Until then... gonna drink my water and plead to others to also drink your water - I know I'm not the only one that blew it the last week or so! 

Let's catch up to that wagon that is rolling away from us and hop back on it! 

What's life without hurdles?

Well nothing like a holiday season without a trip to the ER! 

UGH.. not me, my son. He's ok. He went for a run the other night and cut from the sidewalk to go into the park and slipped on a patch of mud.  Xrays show that there is a break... of course! 

He will visit the orthopedic surgeon today and see if surgery is necessary and if so, will it happen before Christmas?  My husband broke his ankle in the exact same place 17 years ago. His recovery was hell but I was also trying to work full time and take care of 2 young boys (2 and 5) at the time. This time should be different. Nick is healthy, young and determined to get better quickly. Just sucks after the last few months with his struggles of anxiety and depression that this should happen.  Exercise was his outlet, so not being able to get out and exercise will likely bring back some tough times. 

I told him it's the perfect end to a perfectly shitty year and if there is ever a time to do this, it's now. We have nowhere to go and he's not in school or work so he can take the time to recover at home. 

Doesn't make it any easier though. God I hope 2021 is better!! 

For me personally, I've been in a bit of a funk as well. Just lazy... struggle to go out for walks or get out of the house. Not in the Christmas mood at all. Most of my shopping is complete, but I do have wrapping etc to do. 

I haven't had any type of appetite this past week which is odd as it's my TOM, so my weight did drop this week. I lost 1.6  (177.8). Not sure why I have no appetite but I guess I'll just roll with it for now. 

Working today and Monday and then I'm off until the 29th. Honestly, can't even believe that Christmas is next week.... 

These are a few of my favorite things....

 As we inch closer to the end of the year and I wallow in the fact that we are not able to visit with close friends or family this season, I felt the need to reflect on the good. The stuff that keeps me going.  So I figured I would jot down a few of my favorite things, just to remind myself that things are ok, even when they seem that they are not... 

Here are a few.... 

1. That time in the morning on the weekend, when it's just me and the pooch. I can enjoy my cup of coffee and snuggle on the couch with a blanket and watch mindless tv or just scroll through social media.  I love to sleep in, but I enjoy this time more, so getting up early on a saturday or sunday is worth it to me. 

2. When my family eats every last bit of the dinner I cooked. It tells me that they enjoyed the feast, that the time that I put into cooking something filled their bellies and made them feel content. 

3. Walks on a dry crisp fall day.  I love to walk and feel/hear the crunching of leaves under my feet. If it's sunny enough to wear sunglasses, bonus! 

4. Hearing my favorite song on the radio so I can belt along with it. I will likely only get 5% of the words right though :) 

5. Family time. Just sitting together and chilling; whether it be playing a board game, or watching a hockey or football game. Love the living room being so full that someone has to sit on the floor. 

6. Receiving a text from a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Reminds me that we need to reach out and say hi every once and awhile. 

7. A glass of red wine on a Friday night after a long week of work.

8. Hearing children playing. With mine all grown up now, I don't hear it often. I love the noise of children playing. 

9. Meeting a new puppy. Nothing beats a puppy. 

10. Hearing that a family member or a close friends has received good news from medical tests results. 

I will miss not seeing my family this year for Christmas. It's the first time in my life that we are not all together.  But we will be together virtually... not the same, but as of now everyone is healthy and safe and really that is the most important thing

Short Update

 Back in the 170s... again barely but back in there. 

179.4

22 days left of this year! 

How are you all doing with only 22 days left of this month/year!? 

Oh and Happy Wednesday 

Ending 2020

I had hoped that I would be floating into December in the 170s and would be able to "relax" a bit over the holidays. Well november turned out to be a bust. 

All in all I lost about 1.4 lbs in November.  I lost, I gained I lost and then I gained again. 

What a waste of a month.  What a waste of a year!

I was so upset when I stood on the scale this morning and it said I was 181.2. Back in the 180s, where I truly hoped I would not see again. Once I hit the 170s a few weeks ago, I was so sure that I would stay there for awhile, hoping to maybe see the 160s in january. Now I'm just far behind again. 

I was upset because I was sure I was doing things right. I kept my carbs low. I have not been eating out of the chocolate bowl that has been taunting me for the last few weeks. I have been good. 

But I have not been tracking - because in my mind, I did not need to anymore. I know what I'm doing. I've been eating this way for years. I don't need to track, it's a waste of time and not needed. 

I told myself that if my weight was up this morning - and I expected it would be because when I looked last night it was up. BTW- My weight is always about 2 lbs heavier when I go to bed from when I wake up. And last night I weighed 183.6 when I went to bed.  So anyways, I told myself that if my weight was above 180, I would have to start tracking again. 

So it was higher and therefore I have started tracking again. 

I entered my food in from yesterday and guess what?  I had about 1800 calories and about 75 net carbs. To lose weight I have to be in the 1200-1300 range of calories and under 50 net carbs. So apparently I do need to track. 

I REALLY REALLY want to lose this weight as it feels like I'm in a hamster wheel going round and round with the losing and gaining of the same 5 lbs. 

Tracking starts today! For reals...... Hoping to end 2020 with some success! 

Tomorrow will still be official WI. 

Weight Loss Q & A

 So a fellow blogger posted some weight loss questions and answers and tagged any followers of hers to play along so here goes.... 

1. What is the reason for your weight loss? 

That has changed over the years and there have been many different times I've dieted and tried to lose weight. It's been for holidays or celebrations (son's graduation), but this most recent reason was for me. I had visited the doctor and he put me on BP meds, I had a scare at the hospital one evening a few Christmases ago where I thought I was having a heart attack and I said enough is enough. BTW - I wasn't having a heart attack, my potassium was super low though and the results look the same. But anyways... this time it was for me. I wanted to be healthy and to live long enough to see my grand babies. 

2. What pitfalls have you come across that have made your weight loss unsuccessful? 

Laziness. If I stop trying, the weight just comes back on. I started my journey may 2018 and lost all the weight in the first 7 months. Since then, I had been maintaining although I would love to lose more but over the last year, the weight has slowly started to creep back on. It's laziness. I stop paying attention to what I'm eating. I get complacent, figure a bite here and there won't matter, but it does. IT all creeps in. 

3. What are your favorite meal ideas for weight loss? 

I follow a fairly low carb, higher fat diet so I rarely feel deprived when I eat. My favorite meal is a nice rich protein like a steak or salmon and then have it with a veggie casserole made with lots of yummy veggies and ooey gooey cheese.  

4. What are your favorite exercises? 

I am not currently exercising but I did join a gym in spring of 2019 and was going religiously until March 2020 (pandemic closure). I have not returned since it reopened.  I love lifting weights. I go between loving leg days and then loving back days. I hate cardio! Hate it..... 

5. How do you stay motivated? 

Honestly, it's the number on the scale still for me. I wish it was not, but I need that scale to move in a downward way for me to be motivated. When it goes up... I can lose motivation and feel a woe is me type of attitude. And if I skip the scale all together for a few days or weeks at a time, I lose all motivation. So the dreaded scale is the big one. But if an event or something else is coming up, I do feel motivation to kick myself into gear so that I look how I want to look for the occasion. 

6. How do you celebrate your success? 

Shop! I love to shop! And I love to shop when the size of my clothes changes... but I'll buy shoes too. 

7. Have you got an overall goal? 

I'd like to be in the 160s for awhile and see how that feels.  My overall goal is to be off my meds, so whatever weight goal that is, is my ultimate goal. 

8. Do you follow any weight loss accounts on social media, if so which ones? 

Too many to list :) 

9. Where do you buy your workout clothes? 

Old navy, lululemon, amazon, Under Armor. 

10. What advice would you give to any weight loss newbies? 

Your journey is your own. Don't compare your loss or your weight to anyone else's, but take their success as your motivation. You will have blips in the road, but don't give up. 

Point Two

 A .2 lb loss. What's the point? 

LOL... 

I used to have a scale that only recorded weight in .5 lb increments. So for anything to register your weight had to change by 1/2 a lb. That 1/2 a lb sometimes took awhile to come and it meant something when I saw the scale change. 

This .2 lb stuff is dumb. LOL.... I mean, my socks weight .2 lbs. 

Anyways... a loss is a loss is a loss. But really, is it? 

It's TOM week... I feel it coming on too. The nausea, the need to eat all the food (hence the .2 lb measly loss), the skin irritations etc. 

I really need to start moving my body more. The weather has been horrible so I haven't even been going for my 2 times a day walks with the mutt. 

Covid cases are exploding here so any thoughts of me returning to the gym are not happening. Need to start scouring the internet for some good deals on some exercise equipment. I'd love to get a stationary bike and a weight lifting bench. Otherwise, we have all the dumbells etc we need. I don't really want to buy new cause I do want to eventually get back to the gym and new equipment is so expensive.  

So many excuses. :) 

Quickie Check-In

Nothing overly exciting to see here. Had yesterday off for Remembrance Day (Canadian Version of Veteran's Day). 

But yesterday was also WI day. I hummed and hawed about changing my WI day from Wed to Monday but then decided against it. I have to stay accountable regardless of the day. With Tuesday acting like a Friday for me, I COULD have had a glass of wine or two, but decided against it. I had a big old tumbler of water and went to bed early. 

I lost 1 lb! I'm thrilled about it because my weight was up during the early part of the week which I'm pretty sure if ovulation gain as I was on track but you never know when the body wants to hold only extra weight so I was happy with the 1 lb.  

179.6

Barely in the 170s but I'm there and I do plan to stay there for a bit.... moving down, not up. 

My son's girlfriend just started a job at Starbucks and has some nice employee discounts so she got me this water tumbler. 

It's only 24 OZ so I have to fill it 4 times to get my daily water in, but I lurves it. Keeps my water cold and she's pretty too! 

So that's it... nothing too exciting. Hubby is off work for a few days so we will get an early costco shop in after I finish up work today and then just more of the same here in old Covid Lockdown Vancouver! 

God I hope they haven't bought up all the toilet paper again! :( 

WI Rollercoaster

WI day was today - my WI Wednesday and it was decent. I lost 1.8 from last week which I know was up a bit but I'm now at 180.6. 

The lowest I have been since February is about 180, so I'm about to break a barrier. Let's hope anyways. 

I was actually shocked that my weight was in the 180-181 range but I was pleased.  I had a bad weekend (3 day weekend) and indulged in things I shouldn't have so Monday I was up. Very  much up. 

But I got back to drinking my water for Monday and Tuesday and low and behold the weight dropped off this morning plus a bit extra! 

DRINK YOUR WATER PEEPS! 

I've been going back and forth in my brain on whether I should switch my WI day from Wed to Monday. I know I slack a bit on the weekend and my brain tells me that it's ok cause I have 2 recovery days before my official WI. Stupid. But I need to be accountable for myself and for all my days, regardless of whether they are on the weekend or not. 

So for now,  I'm sticking with Wednesday. I'll see how it plays out the next few weeks. 

Here's the really weird thing though. I went back through my weight diary (cause I do weigh in every day), and for the last few months I've noticed a pattern where I'm lower on Thursday than I am on Wednesday. Every. Single. Time. 

Maybe I should move my WI to Thursday LOL... but that would only move the needle one day forward. 

Such mind games. 

I do know that I need to continue to weigh in daily though because it does keep me accountable and on track as best as I can. 

So we plug on and try to stay the course as best as I can, and did I mention to drink your water!! 

Whatever...

 Ok, the scale is up by a bit, like maybe a couple of lbs, but whatever. It's my TOM, it always goes up at that time, I'm sticking to the plan and eating well and getting my water in so I fully expect that the number will drop by the weekend.  So I'm not fretting it. I'm not writing the number down here, it's in my daily diary on my phone and it will stay there, as a reminder, but that's it. Moving on. :) 

I did do ok on my goals last week. 

I wanted to save some money - ok this one not so well. Is what it is - I need to start shopping for xmas! 

I did well on my water. I drank waaaay more water than before. Still not doing great on the weekends but I did have more than I usually do. 

I also managed to transfer 4 tapes over. I have about 5 left so I'm looking good on getting that done!

So goals for this week are: 

1) continue with water intake

2) get another 1 or 2 tapes done 

3) Get lists started for Christmas. I like to plan Christmas early so it's both financially and emotionally manageable. I buy all the gifts, wrap all the gifts, do all the decorations etc. Living with 3 males gives me that duty. They do the outside decorations but I'm in charge of everything else. I don't mind, but I like a few months to plan as it can get a bit intense. So.. need to start my lists. 

Our Covid numbers have been increasing here in Vancouver, so our PHO has set socialization rules for us.  We can not have more than our immediate family + our safe 6 over at one time. We were supposed to have friends over on friday for drinks and games, but I think I'll cancel. Although they are friends that have been in our safe 6 circle all summer, I think we need to keep the numbers down a bit more. The boys both have their girlfriends over on the weekends so we don't need extra ppl. I will be glad when this covid crap is over. 

Hope Netflix comes up with some good series soon... I'm getting bored with what is on TV! 

I leave you with this guy... honestly, could not survive Covid without him! 

Turning the Corner

 A few updates on things and setting some personal goals. 

First off,  I went for my callback appointment and it was not the same spot that has been in question for a few years, rather a new "spot" on my right breast at 9 o' clock. The other lump is at 7 o'clock.  So as soon as I heard that I started to really panic - thankfully I wasn't told that news until I was actually in the mammogram room.  The technician took a few pics of the girls and then said that I would have to wait a bit for my ultrasound. She was very kind and gentle but never revealed any thoughts that she might have had based on what she saw. So I waited for about 45 minutes and surprisingly the time went by very quickly.  I was taken into the ultrasound room and a different technician and tech student ran the little wand up and down, right to left for about 10 minutes.  They left the room to discuss their "findings" with the radiologist. 

Then the tech student came back into the room and said, we got what we needed, you can go. I asked her if it was another cyst like the other one or something else. She responded that she is not supposed to tell me anything... BUT.... it all looks fine. They could not find anything in that spot so it was likely just tissue. Phew!!! All good. Received another confirmation call from family doctor yesterday saying all was fine and just to resume regular testing each year.  Did I say, Phew?! 

Nick has been good. Really good. He's still not doing any school or work but he's been happy for the last few weeks and getting back to working out daily. He's still seeing his counsellor and says he really enjoys talking to her! Win Win. As a nosey mom, I want to know details, but I know if he wants to share, he will share when he's ready. Or not. I just want to know details. I need to get past that. 

I have been good with my eating. Might have had a few minor slips with a few packs of candy or a cracker here and there, but otherwise I've been good! I'm down 1.2 today from last wednesday, so although we are going slow, we are at least moving in the right direction. 

Goals - I want to set some personal goals. 

1. I really want to pay down some credit cards that have been hanging around for some time. So my goal is to pay down some before I have to ramp them up again for xmas shopping. Maybe this will have to wait until January. :( 

2. Drinking more water. I need to focus on drinking more water. I've been having some leg cramps at night and my body has been a bit achy in the am and I think it's because I'm not drinking enough water, so that needs to change. I have a 1 ltr bottle and yesterday I filled it 3 times. It wasn't easy to drink all that water but I think that is where I want to be. Usually I would only drink 1 of them... maybe. I know that other liquids also count for water intake but I want to start drinking pure water. So yesterday, I managed 3, so I know it's doable. 

3. Work on transferring old video tapes to digital files. I started this project a few months ago and then stopped. I still have another 10 or so tapes to go so I just need to get it done. Hopefully by writing it down as a task it will motivate me to chip away at them. Also, that would help me clean up my office which is a pig sty right now with equipment and wires all over the place! 

Looking forward to how I do on these goals next week! 

The Dreaded Call-back

First off I'm down .6 lbs from last week which is GREAT because it was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend plus a friends 50th birthday, so I did have a few unplanned treats. But all in all kept it together for the most part!  So any weight loss is a win! 

The boys spent most of the time at home this weekend with their girlfriends and the weather was awful so it was nice to cuddle up as a family on the couch and watch football and Netflix. 

So the weekend was good. 

what is the call-back about?? 

Last wednesday I went for my annual mammogram screening and sure enough, on friday I received a call from the hospital that I need more testing. It's not the first time I've been called back. 

It's the same cyst ? spot that I've had for a few years... so I guess it's good that they are keeping with it but it always freaks me out. I go tomorrow for a 2 hour detailed mammogram and then ultrasound.

Send me some good feels.... 

Plugging Along

This past weekend was lovely.  On Saturday, went out for a family walk to Watershed Park with Nick and his girlfriend. We took the dogs and had a great walk in the trees. The park itself is quite large so even though the parking lot was packed, you see very few people. 

There are areas that are flat and wide but then there are also a wide variety of bike trails which we followed and enjoyed more so than the straight paths. 

It's a place that is just so quiet and tranquil that you can just walk and look at the big trees and listen to the birds. And the dogs love chasing the squirrels. Nick and his gf loved it and I think they will return again on their own. 

Sunday we dinged out the garage and filled up the new shed :)  My garage is finally clean. Maybe I can get a new car now :) 

The general mood in our home has been lighter the last few days. I realize that we are going to go through some dips here and there, but I feel it's lighter and healthier. I hope so. 

I just finished up TOM and so my weight has been fluctuating all over the place, BUT it does appear that I'm down 1.4 lbs from last wednesday and at 183.4 today. I was hoping that it would be a bit lower but all in all I'm happy. 

On friday I did indulge in a few glasses of wine with the neighbours for an outside covid-friendly gathering in the cul-de-sac. But Saturday I switched up the wine and had 2 white claws and then Sunday I had nothing. I call that a win. 

Saturday we have a friends 50th birthday dinner so there will be wine, so I will limit on friday or not have anything. And sunday is thanksgiving and there will be wine  as the MIL is coming over and that is to keep my sanity while she's there. 

We've decided to not cook a traditional turkey this year and instead do another fondue night. I find it's more social with the family and a whole shit ton less work for me, so fondue it is!!! 

Have to go to get my mammogram this afternoon. Hopefully no findings there. 

So a few hurdles to get through this week, but all in all, looking pretty good. 

Fall Feelings

 October 1st. It's really hard to believe we are almost through 2020. This year has been a disappointment in so many ways but it's almost over and although life doesn't immediately change at the turn of a calendar page, there is hope that 2021 will be a better year for all. 

But let's start with this calendar page change. From September to October. 

It's been a tough month. As mentioned before Septembers are always tough for me, mentally and this one is no exception. But my pattern has normally shown that as October rounds a corner, my mood improves and we start to plan for Christmas, which is my ULTIMATE happiness! 

Nick is doing a bit better. It's going to be a long road but he's taken the first step and is much more open about talking. He has decided to take a leave from school this semester and reevaluate for next semester or next fall. There is no rush. He can return, or not, when he's ready to make that decision. He started with his counsellor last monday and it went well, but he did have an emotional setback the morning after. I explained to him that he's raw right now. Opening up lots of wounds that have scarred overtime and then need to reopen so they can heal properly. He gets it.... or at least so he says. 

I have encouraged him to Journal as it helps to write your feelings down but I really don't think the male human species gets the journaling thing. I hope he starts. It will be good to have it to analyze and look back as he continues to make progress on his journey. 

So things are moving forward with him, which makes me feel better. 

Obviously, I've been stressed as well so this last week, my nutrition has taken a back back seat in life. There are days when I would eat an egg and a piece of pita bread or days I would eat properly. Just no appetite. 

My weight has reflected that.  I was down to 183.8 on monday which under normal circumstances I would be thrilled about but I know it's stress weight loss. My TOM just started as well so weight will be a little all over the place for a few days. 

But all in all I believe I lost about 5 lbs this month which is not too bad considering I was on vacation the first week and eating/drinking like I was on vacation :) 

Goals for this month are to keep tracking as best as possible. 

I need to get more water in as well. I've been getting leg cramps at night about an hour after I go to bed so I know my electrolytes are blown to crap right now. 

Here's hoping October is a good month and we start the downturn of 2020 on a high note! 

Happiness

In the matter of moments a world can flip on it's side and what happiness one has turns in to immediate sadness. 

On Wednesday afternoon I received a text from my eldest son saying that he needed to talk to me about his health. He has not known how to discuss with me, but he believes he is sick and he needs help. He has been depressed and anxious and doesn't know how to feel better.  My heart broke. In an instant. 

I can't go to the medicine cabinet and pull out a magic pill or band-aid to fix his pain. I don't know what words to say to make his world better. I want to take his pain from him and feel it for him. I was told by a friend last year that we are only as happy as our unhappiest child and I feel that more than ever. 

My Nick. He's my world. Both of my boys are and I would do ANYTHING for them. Nick has always succeeded at everything he's ever done. He always had many many friends at school, was a star athlete in any sport he participated in and has neve truly struggled in school. But over the last few years as he has been in university I have noticed a change in him. 

Let's go back a little further though. Nick moved away from home at 16 to play hockey and after doing one year, he decided it was not for him. Although, we will never know what would have been, we were always told by coaches and scouts that he would have likely made it to the NHL. He was honestly that good. When he quit, his father took the news very hard. We had put a lot of money and time into getting him as far as he had as he told us that was his dream. But in reality, it was our dream and he was just doing what he thought we wanted.  There was a bit of resentment between Nick and his dad for a few years, but his dad eventually got over the disappointment. I knew that him not playing hockey made him happier and that was all I needed. At 18, he left for university with 3 very close friends. They were going to share a dorm and be finish their 4 years together.  After 2 years he said he needed to get away from them and come home. He was sick of living with the daily mess etc. 

So he transferred to a local university and has been living at home. Nick has always stressed about exams and during that time, he is difficult to live with. But he always came through and done well on his exams. Some he would even ace so his stress and anxiety was always questioned. 

In the past year  he has stopped hanging with his friends. He has taken up golf and loves it. He spends weekends with his girlfriend of 6 years but it has worried me that he no longer spends time with his friends going out or even joining them for wing night on a wednesday at the local pub. 

Fast forward to today. He admits that he is anxious and depressed. I want nothing more than to hug away the pain but I know it's something he has to work through. I immediately set him up with a therapist that he will go visit next week for the first time. He's open to just about anything, other than meds. He said he doesn't want to take medication. I'm just happy he took the first step to say that he needs help, even if it took him a while to get up the courage to do so. 

I just want him to be well and I don't know how to do it. In the meantime, we all just hurt. 

Holding Strong

 Welp... it's Wednesday, which I have marked as my official weigh in day AND my weight is still under 187! Whooop. This morning it was actually 185.6 sooooo I think I've finally broken that plateau which I have been at ALL summer. 

The key now is to keep going. Not give up. 

Did a big costco haul last night ($700 ish) and so we have lots of food and choices in the house. Some great, some really not so great (ie halloween candy). It's not for me, it's not for me, it's not for me. It's for the boys and their friends etc. 

Let's see how good my willpower is now. 

We had our first major storm last night so everything is saturated outside and going for a walk will be more of a chore now but still gotta do it. 10000 Steps is my daily goal. Sometimes I get there, sometimes I do not but I'm almost always between 7500 - 10000. Might have to do some indoor steps today. :) 

Making some cheese/broccoli soup today which will be a good option for dinners/lunches for the week. 

Off to fill up my coffee and water again... :) 

Might be back on track

 It might be too early to report, but I don't care. This has been the first time in about 7 or so months that I have broke the 187 mark. I went to 186.2 on sunday but won't officially weigh in until wednesday. 

Again, might be too early as there is USUALLY a bounce back but I did track my food last week, drank way more water and avoided the temptations as much as possible. 

Things I did well on - tracking, water, avoiding sweets and processed carbs

Things I want to work on this week - still had too much wine on the weekend. Want to cut out the sunday glass. It's only one glass but it's a habit and I want to drop it. That's the plan next sunday!  It won't make a big difference in my numbers for the day or week, but it's the breaking of a bad habit. 

I feel motivated again. Not sure what the clincher was. Maybe it's the turning of a month from august to september and the nearing of fall. I like to get my shit together in the fall and get back to a regular schedule etc. 

Or MAYBE... it was because my best friend was just diagnosed with sleep apnea AND she told me that she thinks I have it as well. I might have it and I would not be ashamed of it, as people have it, including my husband. BUT, I don't want that to be MY diagnosis. I already have high blood pressure that I believe is hereditary as both my mom and dad had the same diagnosis and my dad has been otherwise healthy his entire life.   

I used to be a snorer - absolutely, but when I lost the 40 lbs a few years ago, I stopped snoring. Or so I was told. I know in the past few months, I have had a few nights of snoring although my husband says it's nothing like it used to be. So when she told me she thinks I sleep apnea and I should get tested, it sparked a fire in me. I need to get back down to the weight that my body was happy with in the low 170s and maybe even jump into the 160s to even better.  

So whether it's the change of the seasons or the motivation to not have another ailment added to my health resume, I'm ready to do this!

Almost 7 months of semi Self-Isolation

 Well that's not entirely true. I have not been in self-isolation but I have been spending much less time with public than before the pandemic started. 

A few things that I have realized during this last 7 months: 

1. Time FLIES! I always thought time flew by but actually watching it closely this past spring and summer I definitely feel time is flying by way faster than I want it to. My kids are growing up, I'm getting older, my family (dad) is getting much older and we need to slow life down a bit and really enjoy things. 

2. I don't need as many shoes and clothes as I thought I did. Well maybe I do, but it has been nice to not feel the pressure to shop for clothes for each of the seasons. I can wear the same thing again this season and I likely won't need any fashionable boots or other wintery jackets to wear other than the ones that take me the grocery store or the park with the dog. Money should be saved or spent on things that we really need.  

3.  I love my close knit circle of best friends. There are 6 of us and we have pandemic'd together. We would get together each weekend for a few cocktails and laughs. Maybe go for a bike ride or walk. It's been nice having them around and I'm glad we have spent our time together. There will be many more get togethers in the coming months, I'm sure. 

4. I miss the gym. Terribly. But I'm still too "scared" to return. I don't want to get sick. I don't want to get covid if I can help it and I don't trust the person using the machine or weight before me to clean up properly. Hopefully sometime soon, but for now I am not going and that is ok. 

5. I don't work out if I don't have the gym. Ugh. This one has hurt.  I told myself that I'd work out at home daily and try to get my work out in but it just didn't happen. I'd get bored. I like the personal challenge that working out at the gym gives me. Again.. hope to return to that soon. 

6. I can't eat mostly low carb and then sneak in some weekend carbs. Cookies, cakes and crackers (the 3 bad c's are not my friend). My weight has fluctuated for the last 7 months. I keep losing 3 lbs and then gaining the same 3 lbs over a period of a week. I weigh the same now as I did in May.  Actually... maybe a bit higher. My clothes do not fit any smaller than before because I wear sweatpants and yoga pants and things that have stretch. Actually my jeans do still fit but not as well as they did before. 

7. I have to put me first. I'm a more enjoyable person to both my husband and my kids if I make a little time for me. If that means not making dinner cause I'm working on a puzzle so be it.  They will survive. 

That's it for now. I think it's time I start doing some sort of tracking or accountability tracking at least as I need to get back on track... lol (no pun intended).  So.... that's it for now. I have to come up with a plan.  Time to get this shit done. 

Covid-19 Reminder

I saw this post on facebook this morning and figured I'd post it here just to remind myself in the coming years.

To my future self:
“Just so I NEVER forget.....
Gas prices at a record low 99.9 in Vancouver today.
School cancelled March 15, 2020.
Self-distancing measures on the rise.
Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers 2m (6ft) from each other.
Limited number of people inside stores, therefore lineups outside the store doors.
Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.
Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.
Entire sports seasons cancelled.
Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled.
Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled.
No masses, churches are closed.
No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 5 or more.
Don't socialize with anyone outside of your home.
Children's outdoor play parks are closed.
We are to distance from each other.
Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.
Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.
Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer, no flour, no bread and other dry food.
Shelves are bare.
Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.
Government closes the border to all non-essential travel, calls Canadians home and makes it mandatory to self isolate for 14 days.
Fines are established for breaking the rules.
AB Kenny Govt uses education funding to temporarily fund COVID 19 emergency funds.
Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.
Press conferences daily from Prime Minister Trudeau.
Chief Medical Officer Dr Bonnie Henry gives daily updates on new cases, outbreaks in care homes, hospitalizations, ICU patients, recoveries, and deaths.
Government incentives to stay home.
Barely anyone in the street or on the roads.
People wearing masks and gloves outside.
Essential service workers are terrified to go to work. Protective shields are set up at cashiers.
Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.
1,000,000 applications for Employment Insurance as people go without work.
They say it started in Wuhan, China at a seafood market. Hundreds of thousands affected, dead, dying, critically ill.
Many recovered.
This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.
Why, you ask, do I write this status?
One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious. To not take the things we dearly love for granted.
We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.
We are all one!

Be safe all... 

Blindly Unaware

It's been awhile... like a long while.

Last time I posted was in August. I felt like things were the same old same old and had nothing to report so no sense in posting.

I am fully aware that this blog is my blog and is almost 100% for my eyes only. I use it as a tracker to see where I've been and where I've come from. When I was young I had a piece of paper that I kept track of my weight. It was hidden in a drawer in the bathroom along with an HB pencil to mark down the numbers. I threw that paper out about 5 years ago as it felt like the numbers were  never changing.

So now this blog has replaced the little piece of paper.

So, why the blindly unaware title? Cause I honestly thought I had not gained any weight over the fall. I've been stepping on the scale a few times a month, not daily like I used to and I've been hovering around 177-180. I thought this was the same weight that I was all summer.

WELL... I just read my last post and at that time I was between 169-171... WHAT? So I gained approximately 10 lbs without even being aware of it.

This blog is necessary for me to keep track. I feel great, still work out 2-4 times a week at the gym but I have slowly let foods back into my life that I had said needed to be gone. Not all the time gone, but not to be consumed on a regular basis.

I remember when I was in my 20s I had 2 or 3 really skinny friends. One was just naturally skinny and the other worked at it.  The one thing that I do remember was that neither of them ate like me. When I went to their homes, they didn't have the cookies/cakes and muffins etc. Yes, they would splurge once and awhile but it was not on a daily, like it was for me.

This is the mental change that I needed to make over the last few years to keep my weight lower and under some sort of control. Do I like carbs, sugars, muffins, cakes, cookies etc... ABSOLUTELY. Can I eat them... no, not really. I tried to follow the "in moderation" but the reality is that my moderation is not really moderation. It's still much more than most "skinny" people would eat. If I ate one chocolate bar a week I would consider that moderation. But I don't NEED that chocolate bar each week and I know it was sabotaging my journey. So they are gone. Do I miss them? Sometimes... will I have one, once and awhile (like every 3 months or so)... sure... but I can't let that food back in my life. I just can't be moderate with some things.

Since the fall, I have slowly let carbs back in my life. I do enjoy them, but I have also discovered (just this morning mind you), that I have gained back 10 lbs. Just by letting a piece of bread, once a week back into my life.

I'm 47. I've eaten more than enough bread and sweets etc to do me a lifetime. I don't need them. I don't plan to have them on a regular basis again. It's what works for me.

Sadly... moderation is just not something that works for this girl. I know what works for me, I just need to put it back into motion.

Weight this morning - 179.6.....